ASMR La Brea of Grief

Hey! Hi! It’s me MommaQueue. I welcome you to Moments in Queue ASMR episode. In Queue today: 60 seconds of heaven > What’s going on > it’s giving > and croak on the joke. 

I talk about grieving the recent, sudden death of a friend. Unpacking with my therapist feeling unworthy to grieve. Then I go on multiple story times from when I was a lil queue to MommaQueue. I can’t make this ish up nor can I prove it . I discuss the reiki principles with the understanding you can’t always realistically keep that energy but think of it as a serenity prayer - control and accept what you can’t and can. This is my first time being unscripted. Can you tell?

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Transcript

Unknown: 0:30

333 Were the night before 10 know what was in store? I got a feeling you know? A bumper Bumblebee show the ugly 2020 see? Now you are in that case Billy played your song ours briefly thought about like weird beer in me Hey, it's me McHugh I welcome you to moments in two SMR episode. In this episode I will tell lightyear with my voice and random sounds in a 60 seconds of heaven, what's going on? It's given on the job. In this segment I tell you what's gone on in my life since last episode. It's been a lot. It's been pretty intense for me. Okay, so a couple weeks ago, a lot of stuff happened. A friend of mine family free random family, and I'll explain later, unfortunately passed away. It was started and for me, sudden deaths are different. And we had some tornado near Memphis, Tennessee, and Tintin a key in Wayne arcades. Okay. It's just been like, it's been a lot on my mind. I am going to explain it. And so I just want to preface this by saying in no means am I trying to be disrespectful. Or come across is not understanding anything, but I just gotta make it make sense. All right. So before I go any deeper, I want to let you know, I did not write this down. It's been heavy on my heart. And I really didn't want to write it and read it off. I wanted to go off. Versus I don't think I will fear. If I do want to listen to this again, I might have to write it. Alright, so here we go. So the night before a family friend passed on, I had a dream about a grim reaper, now my little sister and this spiritual life and she is the only one that I'm close to the back and talk about without seeming weird and I don't think she will not believe because she understands most of this stuff. All right, so we're gonna put a pin in that about the train. So she also had like a weird encounter, unfortunately, with death as well. A high school friend of ours that I remember unfortunately died. I did as well to storm and she, she made him us and told me she when she learned about it and she's not about our flaps are a bumblebee the next day. And that matters to the stories. All right p&l Back to my friend. Okay, so I'm talking to myself. And I'm like, yeah, in my dream. And so for me, I'm thinking is somebody in my family and we never had a chance to talk about and some hours later farsley on social media, I found. Let me tell you, my family and I randomly met downtown in Memphis panicky, like, at the most random last time. And we're talking me worries. And I'm like, Are we family? Because the city that my paternal side is from his country so small, that for me, I'm like, I don't do it. Because it's okay. So, that was my cousin's cousin. On the maternal side, he's on the paternal side. We become Facebook friends. He's friends with my family. I'm like, What the fuck? So I want to tell me that soccer. Gods played, we randomly found each other. And often years, we began to spend time together. We lived in Downtown Memphis. I smoked my first college, it was a massive virginity. Let's see what else. And so a move some years ago. And so last year, when I went to New Orleans, I got to see him that was my last time seeing him alive. And oh my gosh, like, he's just one of those people. He can light up the wrong, it's almost like, does he know? Okay, he's just one of those social type people, and everything. And so it really irked me. All right, so I went to therapy about it in two ways, number one, to talk about therapy with, with my usual time, and to process this some more with what I was going through on top of me being depressed, which I really don't like talking about for this segment or episode. All right. So I was telling my therapist Now, unfortunately, I wasn't worthy enough to decree. And that took, like, you have to be worthy to grieve. And I'm like, Yeah, so I explained it to her. Story time, story time. So growing up with my toxcast maternal family, that's when I learned about what rape is supposed to look like. Now, I do understand and respect the fact that when you are older, your mindset should you know, fleet does change. But for me, I feel like part of my growing up has made me do I am good, bad, indifferent. All of that. Okay. So that's a lot. All right. So I remember when my great uncle passed away, early 2000s. Right. So I felt weird in there to see him on a step. Because we weren't. We were but we weren't growing up. Particularly of the family. We were in Napa. He was the son of my great grandma, wrist or so. So that part of the family tree we weren't really close growing up towards my high school, I ended up randomly going to the same high school as my to rest their soul as well. And so I kind of started to come close. But we had our ups and downs like any family, so it just felt weird to me because I felt like I was being fake. All right, years at best, fortunately, to Joanne DARS, they had since moved on, and they're passed away too. And my great grandmother passed away. All right. So maybe about a few years later, one of the twins had passed away. And you know, we did the whole thing about being close. As you know, unfortunately, that's when you do normally see it Your family is at a funeral, unfortunately. Okay. So I don't remember there being too much of beef or anything, but I felt weird being there. Okay. So my great grainy, impressive. So just the way the woman that gave birth to me, she felt like the twain that was left with me. Because it's like, why are you here? When my grandmother is on our deathbed. And some years later, I had a cousin when that was unfortunately, tragically. Basically, she was ran over by a car, I think she was murdered, but whatever. Okay. So that cause is no longer here. The other twin that was the lever, and our mother, which is my team, by marriage, they came to the fair, all they saw was and kept walking. DNA the walking with the family goes like, yeah, all our family to like, weird, but all right, whatever. And so for me, it's just always been weird illness not forget, and I know you don't have to listen to social media or anybody else. But again, it's always weird to me about our death is treated you have like I've said before previous episodes, where you have people talk ish about it, the person is calm, which I don't like, then you have those money hungry? And who's like, oh, you know what, that was my whatever, whatever. And then the people that are aggrieved are like, Oh, are you are you aren't. So it's just for me so much negative connotation. And so for me, not talking to my friend, often really made me feel like Am I allowed to grieve? Like, what makes me so special enough to feel heartbroken and hurt within a day? We didn't see each other that often like my therapist has been working with me this year and has let me know that there's different ways to grieve. Even when my pain level number the fucking life when he left his job, like, that really are me. And she's like, your grief. And I'm like, What are you talking about? Grief expose me. She's like, no grief is for when you have someone that's lost. Okay, make sense? So that's one part of it. And the other words, it's really been like, bothering me a little bit that I can. I'm gonna try to explain what, that's where it gets quiet. about it, is when I'm telling the signs were there. But I don't know what to do with them. All right. So when he passed, I had this sunken feeling that he didn't know he was no longer part of this physical realm. And yeah, I kid you not. Moments before it was time for me to go to therapy. I get in my car and I see a huge stuck to my windshield. And I'm like, of course I'm doing the way to SOCO myself and tell her what's going on. And everything worked out but about struggling with it. I'm like, I'm on my way to therapy. I shouldn't be okay. And she was like, no, maybe no, that no longer here. And his own she said this is why I say you can not make this issue. And for me, Andy's spiritual gifts, really fucks with me from time to time, you know, I remember listening to church, which helped me like learn so much more about spirituality she had mentioned, because I think she's a psychic and a medium. She had mentioned that in one of our episodes, she was like you had a dream about somebody dislocated died. And I think maybe days later, or something along those timeframe, our dream of ours came to fruition. And so I really heard and listened to this episode from Pamela Williams and my mentor. And she talked about one of her clients. No, I'm sorry. One of our guests on our podcast was a death doula mom's heart is right. And she had mentioned now when unfortunately, Jen had passed on that ahead. thought thought in our mind, and that's when and I'm paraphrasing. Unfortunately, I can't remember her name, like I see that I'm writing down, I'm all freestyle. Alright. So the depth, I had said that you know, when you're medium and you have some spiritual powers, spiritual gifts, learn things, and know when things happen. Like this put so much in perspective for me. So, let me tell you another story into my bed. So like I told you, when the domain has came around Memphis and the key, the same view and area in Wayne arcades, I used to have a co worker and his brother or ex co workers. And so I messaged them, like, are y'all okay? Because at that time, I knew or tornado ad, but I didn't know anything else. And they said they were good. And I instantly got a thought in my job. That something was wrong with slavery. No, I called work. And so I text on out a few days later when he responded. Freaking out everything. So I had been checking on him and stuff to make sure that everything is good. For me, you have to do, like, terrible shit, in order for me to just be dumb. But if we're no longer gonna give a shit, I really will. And it's not gonna not like to brag about it. But it says For me, I really do give a shit about people and sometimes to my detriment, which some mornings for them it anyway we know about it really. So for me, that was a sign of things happening. And me not knowing exactly or knowing exactly do we know what it is of what happened on two hours later. And it just fucked me. So I reached out to my mentor to talk to her. And she got again, she's not gonna she's taking me some words of encouragement. And she kind of explained to me where and that helped. But it didn't help us. It's just like, How can I deal with this skill? Because unless you're a spiritual person that really believes in the stuff that I do. The likelihood of acknowledging or believed in stuff is few and far between. It comes from the board stories of how often Oh, wait, a moment of knowing when things are going to happen, which is quite ironic Psalm in elementary school. And this classmate of mine had a seizure. And oh my gosh, it was crazy. Because I had seen him because I walked outside Wow, I've never seen a seizure I wonder why. And he just like the snap of a finger and the seizure can dis elementary saw an elementary that's when I had this dream. I guess it was a dream. Because nobody else will believe it that Jesus was a real yo Claire is day in my bedroom. I slept when the woman was obviously on whatever else. And I tried to tell my family about it. And they taught me that you can't see Jesus specific and they they started by having all these Bible verses in our system. And so it made me close in and not want to share my auntie which is the woman that gave birth and me sister she best friend that passed home. And that was my first earliest memory of a deceased person. Yeah. This nighttime this dream. But in the dream I'm in the live room and it's nighttime. And the woman is saying goodbye mama Q as she turned into a star and went up to the sky. What the fuck but I never taught anybody because it's like if they're not gonna believe me about Jesus seen him believe me about this. Okay. Let's see what other things what my great granny was alive. She wanted me to get baptized in the twins when they were alive. Me with your Quebec passport, and I'm thinking that person on Sir Be baptized, and the preacher was playing it off on me and said, Please remove all negative energy of paraphrasing. And something along those lines removed negative energy just like my period blood came out. Now, I knew I was gonna be on my beer because I hadn't been aligning. I didn't know it was going to happen, because for those that played it well my day, early late, we it just opinions right. And I think one more instinct, but I can't remember it right now. So that's fine. Bout to talk about. Okay, so in my junior high slash high school, because I went there from seven to 12. There were people that passed on, and I kind of sort of knew but didn't know there was this one guy. I just saw him like standing by himself. I know. It sounds so random. No, which is wrong with me. Okay. And I'm sorry, I'm moving around. A lot of tracks Estill. Look up for this segment, obviously. So, like, dammit, pass, I can't remember because it was so long ago. He is he was the CEO. Of course, I can tell anybody. And the other one, oh, my gosh, dad earlier me the most. So back in the days because I graduated in 2001. So you know, like the girls coming in and pictures of my classmates. And so my classmate who had passed away outstanding, and something told me to take a picture of him and his girlfriend. What? No, I'm sorry. I want to take a picture of him and his girlfriend at the time. But something told me not to. And that was weird. And the next day or two, and I got to meet with the woman who gave me the phone. My phone right. Now his phone rang. And that's when I learned that he had passed home. And it was it was a real barrier. But it was very emotional for me at real real. Any would face me for the next few years? I can't remember how many years past visit me. And what was creepy? Well, not racist, but creepy as somebody that just like kill the next year or two shot with the high school. Wow. And I don't see maybe senior year in high school. Again, saw him by himself just randomly, right? And unfortunately, time away and one other guy, it would always be on the tree. Right? And so again, another thing I just saw, and when I see these people, it seems like time slows down in steel. But again, I never know what it means until it happens. Right? And, and like I said, he found out he passed away. And again, I can't explain none of this the EB party. And it's just always with me. And I know, I mean, and that's fine. And people don't believe me or not. But for me, it was a slight like, I never know the exact moment of what any of the sides me. And ultimately what I'm supposed to do, even if even if spirit would tell me hey, so and so on this day, and this time, nobody's gonna believe me. Or if I say it out loud, people be like, Oh, he exploited to exist and support your wishes. Deal with it right? And it's like and so it's just been very heavy on my mind. So that's what's been going on with me. I'm almost done with this segment. So the funeral will be Sunday. So the funeral piece which is coming up and so for my spiritual beliefs, I was struggling because at first I didn't want to go to the funeral because like I told you, I feel like I wasn't worthy. And then I thought about it. I will be surrounded by my paternal family so it's okay. So I'm like alright, alright, and then I was telling them my business okay, and how I felt weird or even better, which I know already seen, but I wanted to add some more context. To know I felt weird taking the pictures of all of our pictures from the past and posting but I didn't entail, but I posted only so I can remember if the Facebook memories not not looking at me looking at me and stuff and I tell my therapist that you know, I can clearly, she tells me all the time, you can't control how other people respond, which is true what else can't control how people grieve. But this was my way of honoring, because I know. And much she's not my therapist of spiritual power. So some of the stuff she can't meet with. But I know from my deal in slightly that it seems like there's this coral light, light about me. I feel like the spiritual Ram knows I exist. And that makes any sense. And so I want to be as good as I can. And damn, and I use funny beef, because he's, he was a University of Memphis fan. And so, you know, I live in Memphis, but I didn't graduate from there. And so we we have like, beef about back in Memphis, right? And so I'm aware of Memphis message. And I'm a rapper by air and I'm trying to deal with people but also to deal with my beliefs. I talked to my therapist. I'm like, I don't want to make somebody's funeral about me. And if everybody is Christian, and they think what I do is the money. What if they kicked me out of the field? So I decided to be hidden in plain sight. This time open that Yep. Somebody because I have a Memphis shirt on maybe they'll understand why I'm wearing it. You know, without like, me wearing white. In African traditions, as I've stated in episode one, if I'm not mistaken to wear white to a funeral, okay. So yeah, just a whim callback. And I'm like, get my head wrapped, because I can't remember when I went to a cemetery with many me, what was about a month and I was like, okay, spirits do not follow me home. I am a Dallas Cowboy. And I got into my field and knocked off my in Oslo. Wow. So for me, that's what I wanted. Uncovered. But also not make people feel weird or uncomfortable, which I know I can't control. So not been talking throughout this segment. For Wow. Again, I guess what I'm trying to say is that what grief really is, you know, we all have different ways of dealing with it. And sometimes spiritual. And no. And of course, they're not allowed to color maybe they aren't demanding. I can't speak for all spiritual, but I sometimes feel because this is what I experienced that it could be difficult or hard and harder not spiritual people are if you want to get religious as far as people gifts, whether they know things psychics, mediums and unknown people. Well, you know, if you knew this much or be a millionaire by say out, it's been on my mountain with knowing things and can't do anything about it, or you sense things and you can't put a finger on it until it happens. And I'm not asking you for spirit to take it away from me because clearly, I'm supposed to have it for a reason. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't make it our place. So you know, again, however, people grieve the way their grief is the way that they grieve. For the spiritual people, with the gifts out there, just be easy on yourself. It's giving up giving you encouragement to make it through the week. Let's tackle eating that elephant together one bite at a time. Okay. So a Reiki practitioner I tried to lay above the five Reiki principles. Number one, just for today. To not worry number two, just for today, not anger. Number three, just fart number four, just for today be honest. And number five, just for today, compassionate towards yourself and others. Now bearing in mind principles within Reiki like I see for the most part, this episode down so be patient with me it was like I said a lot to cover with my mental wanna practice wanted to finish in one fell swoop. But I do write down the five Reiki principles. So, like I said, I try my best to live with it. Because I do write on myself now, like I told you before, I've been slacking five min busy, but can you believe it with all these events gone? Now? It has made me to break on myself even more. So I'm encouraging you to if you're dealing with grief, depression, what have you that you know, tried to see if you can get graykey dawn on you. I feel like every now and also, if you're not a Reiki practitioner, tried to take into this upcoming week, these different groups. Understand that we live in a capitalistic society. The cost of living in certain spots are way higher than the cost of your income, I'm sorry, the cost of living is more than one income is. So I understand that you might not have the ability to not worry. But I guess what I'm trying to say is like, don't worry about things that are out of your control, you know, or try if you can't do something about it, in hopes that mitigate the worry and try not to anger and I know that that can also be difficult as well. You can people can traverse ships trying to make sure that you can get to all your destination save. So much craziness is going on where you know, you go to the bank, there gonna be a shooting, you go to the grocery store can be a shooting, you go to school, if it's your children going to school, or you're going to class, it's like every time you turn around, you have the constant worry or you are worried you can get angry from idiots that may not share your same beliefs about things. But let's try not to get angry. Again. I know all of this is easier said than done. But let's think about it. You get angry? What is that gonna do? I remember I had a road rage situation where this person in front of me was traffic got in front of me, I curse fuckup the driver, the driver did not flick me off, but roll down their window. Talking sample which absolutely looks like a duck wagon. And can you believe it? When that happened? I thought to myself, exactly. We talked all that mess, I'm not going to do anything. I'm not going to eat the car, because we don't know what that person is carrying in their car. And my money is not like that, where I can just let me just get the car out of anger. You know? So I still do get annoyed with drivers. But I try not to get angry about them. Cuz again, what am I going to do about it? There is nothing that I feel like I can do to stop that person. So if they want to weave in and out of traffic because they probably wake up. Okay, just weaving in and out of traffic. If I can grow my blood pressure, and what does that got to do? Or I might do stupid stuff that I can bounce back from but you know what? I'm not angry. Just for today, Bo. Now we do know that there are times when, for some reason society really, really, really wants us to be humble about the things that we do. I see nothing wrong with like, I don't brag and brag, but I see nothing wrong with your practice, in the sense of be calm, because we never know what or later on in the day. We can change the blink of an eye. And I think all of this goes together with the last one be compassionate towards yourself and others. I can't replace that with Grace offer yourself because we never know what the other person is going through. And can also remind me the screening paper, which I don't know what you know bits and pieces of it is what except the things that I can change next, because we do know that and it will be good stressed out word and limit us from enjoying our time with our family and friends. So it kind of reminds me of the Jerry Springer, because yourself and others on the joke, that's where I give you my business jokes and we laugh together are today's joke. I used to stop lines for a living, but I quit because it was a shady business. Get in shady business. Well, guess that's my cue to leave